Friday, July 07, 2006

10 Ways That Show You Are Too Old to Attend a Kelly Clarkson Concert

1. While the teenagers next to you barely evade arrest for possession of alcohol (and yes, the "alcohol" in question included Arbor Mist and champagne), you are happily seated on a Southern Living blanket eating homemade, from scratch, cupcakes. And watching with bated breath as they try to figure out how to prove they are over 21 without actually producing identification. Note to teenage girls wearing inappropriate tube tops and postage stamp sized skirts at a concert where, LBH, there probably won’t be any males whose attention you will be attracting (though, see #4): “I don’t think I have it on me” is not the right answer when the bike cop asks for identification.

2. You spend a portion of the 2 hours that it takes to exit the parking lot to mull over potential litigation arising from the total lack of competent parking attendants or crowd control of any kind. And also shouting sadly innuendo filled light stick comments to the 17 year olds “directing traffic” exiting the venue.

3. You contemplate calling the Prince William County Police department to tattle on the inadequate public service their uniformed men gave the public (in terms of alcohol vigilance and crowd control).

4. You see men in their mid 30s, sitting on lawn chairs in the parking lot, guzzling beer and you automatically think “pedophile.” Ok, so they also had mesh caps, jean shorts, and stringy ponytails.

5. The thought of glitter painting/puff painting a tshirt to show your love for an American Idol winner makes you tired. Even though some of them did say things such as “I HEART KFC”—(on the back it clarified: KFC = Kelly Freakin’ Clarkson. NOT Kevin Federline’s Cock (thanks, CB).

6. When you see young girls in short skirts and skimpy tank tops dancing around and singing all the words to songs you only just recognize, you automatically assume they are high on something.

7. You try to figure out the financial burdens of having six teenage boys directing your car into the parking space of an almost empty parking lot.

8. When, in the car, you’re listening to a mix tape (yes, tape) titled “Good Songs” (circa 1993) and realize that a good portion of the attendees at impending concert were not even born yet when this tape was painstakingly created. (BTW, the All-4-One version of “I Swear” is far superior to that of John Michael Montgomery. And nothing is better than “Shoop.” Yeah, Salt-n-Pepa.)

9. You see a group of youngsters obviously there celebrating the birthday of a friend and (1) think that’s a good idea for when you have kids (2) recall that your birthday parties included cheeseburgers at McDonalds (and, if you got the “deluxe” birthday party, a tour of the kitchen) or the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. You then get into a friendly debate regarding whether you would allow your children to go to Chuck E. Cheese which evolves into a discussion regarding the travesty that is Libby Lu.

10. 4.5 hours of sleep just isn't what it used to be.

Despite the girls in front of us having a private photo shoot (who knew there were so many combinations of pictures you could take with three girls? They must have just learned permutations in math class or something), the girls behind us who were Kelly haters and the fact that Kelly made a bad fashion choice (Kelly, you're not fat, but the belly shirts are not attractive), we had a really great time. Especially dancing (er, I mean jumping) to "Since U've Been Gone" and witnessing the dramatic interpretations that are inspired by "Breakaway."

And, we're old enough to have beer.


Jenni said...

i'm so jealous, i totally would have gone, drank/flaunted numerous beers in front of the "21-year olds" next to you, and then jumped in their photo shoot.

i HEART KFC (clarification: kelly frickin' clarkson, not kentucky fried chicken)!!

Miss Scarlet said...

Haha! I, too, wish I had gone. What fun! It would have required a lot of beer to be around all of those kids though.

Jenni said...

we could have stolen it from the girls next to lala after they got busted by the cops. hey, no need to waste, kiddies!

Sara* said...

I'm sad to say that in response to the girls in #6. I am one of them, although my rear-end is too big to wear skimpy skirts so I would've just been singing word for word wearing jeans... or something else that was sensible for a 27 year old.