Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Berkeley, Marissa?? Really??



I was slightly more than outraged last week when our favorite never convicted almost felon Marissa Cooper was convinced (unconvincingly, I might add) that she should apply to Berkeley. Marissa Cooper, whose claims to fame include but are not limited to: wandering the halls of Harbor with a non-fat, sugarfree latte, shoplifting, being part of one of the greatest family trees/forests in primetime history, dabbling in homosexuality, dating a "bad" boy, banging the lawn boy, overdosing in T.J., undergoing hours of therapy, having a mom who used to be a porn star (and is still a bonafide ho) and a runaway dad who lost millions of dollars of Newpsie investors' money, almost killing the brother of the guy she was kind of but not really dating when he tried to rape her when they were both drunk, befriending Oliver in the therapist's waiting area and subsequently allowing him to convince her his "mojitos" were "virgin," getting expelled from Harbor, going to--gasp!--public school, once eating an ice cream bar on the pier...and we're only less than halfway through season three.

Anyway, I am very annoyed by this. High school students everywhere are now going to think that they can apply to top notch schools. Maybe it will make them work harder. Or, maybe it will make them think that they can play around, do whatever they want, commit felonies, and not have to worry about getting into college. Hey, Marissa is going to Berkeley! Mark my words: next year, applications to Brown, Providence and Berkeley will increase exponentially.

Nerd alert: my outrage inspired me to do a little research. In perusing various websites, I ran across an interview with one of the Deans of Admission at Berkeley. The reporter asked the Dean to explain the criteria used when deciding an applicant's fate. Here is the Dean's response:

When reviewing applicants for admission, we ask three questions:
-- What has this student made of his or her opportunities?
-- What will this student contribute to the academic and social community at Berkeley?
-- Does this student have a reasonable chance to succeed at Berkeley?

I'd like to do some role playing here. I am no longer your bff...I am now a Dean of Admissions at Berkeley. In front of me is Marissa Cooper's "file." This includes, of course, all of the appropriate paperwork, recommendations, essays, etc. (because Marissa took time away from having anxiety attacks over almost shooting Trey, got her life in order, decided that college is a good idea, sat down in the office at Summer's house (because she's not about to stay in a trailer with Julie Cooper Nichol almost Cooper again) and got it all together) necessary for me to render a decision. I will ask myself the three important questions.

1. Opportunities. Marissa has definitely taken advantage of her opportunities. She has used her family's money (and that of Caleb Nichol--RIP) and has purchased all of the latest and greatest clothes (minus appropriate undergarments), bags and ballet flats. She is a Marc Jacobs and Chanel disciple. When Ryan came to town, she took advantage of the opportunity to have a new boyfriend, dumped her old one (we miss you, Luke! And your gay dad!) and began living her life more on the "edge." When the fabulous foursome goes out to eat, she always has a ginormous burger and fries in front of her...but wait, she doesn't ever eat anything...so nix that one. If she can recognize and take advantage of such opportunities at such a young age, she will surely be able to recognize bigger and better ones at Berkeley and take advantage of those, as well.

2. Contribution to Academic and Social Community. Academically...hmm...well, she can read. And, per the guidance counselor at Newport Union, her grades and activities are good enough for her not to worry about getting into college. We have no solid proof that she has ever attended a class, taken an exam, or even the SATs. As far as the social community...Marissa sure can party. And with a diverse group of kids. She doesn't just hang out with the richies any more...and she can definitely organize and pull off a carnival. Those three years as social chair give her points in this category. The SnO-C?? Classic brilliance.

3. Rate of success. If success entails walking around in horrible outfits, making drama where there is none to be made, getting up and screaming for no apparent reason, befriending the riffraff, shying away from those with authority, giving up when the going gets rough, breaking down at the drop of a hat, falling in love with whomever/whatever crosses her path...then yes, bring on the success.

You do the math.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

If Coop gets into Berkeley, I will stage a protest. BTW, obviously the show can't end next year when they're off in college, so I'm sure the obligatory "Newport University" will suddenly spring to life a la CU on 90210 and everyone will remain together...yeah, cuz all friends stick together and go to the same college in their hometowns!

Jenni said...

Maybe Summer's going to start thinking she should apply to Yale or Harvard.