How dare you call me a cynic?

Linda Holmes, you MSNBC contributor, what do you know?

1. She calls Travis "ordinary." Um, if he is ordinary than 99.34% of the males I know are less than ordinary. Sorry, guys.
2. Why does she say it's an ideal show for cynics? It's not, I'm sorry. The Bachelor doesn't make you cynical that love exists but, rather, that love cannot be born and bred on primetime television. And, really, is that such a bad opinion to have? Trista and Ryan are just a fluke in the whole process...and I still find them hard to believe. (Six degrees of separation alert: my BFF Abu Shekha's brother is a college friend of Ryan. Ryan stayed at their house two days after my stay there ended (blast!). Brother went to the [famous stripper filled beach] bachelor party and was on tv and was heard telling Ryan to stop being such a baby. He also attended the wedding, and friend has a cookie plastered with the faces of the happy couple. Brother also spent time talking to Estella at said nuptials while Bob the Bachelor was off being annoying somewhere).
3. Did anyone watch the Byron/Mary season? Who wants to watch old people fall in love? Not me. But give me a hottie and some vapid (way to go, Linda, for using such a good word), obsessed, catty females and I'm there.
4. "...knowing all the time that they will one day be pictured in Us magazine in a graphic based around a ripped photo, under the headline, "WHAT WENT WRONG?" Haha, having the cover artist job for The Bible is the easiest/best job ever. This brings me to the fact that, once they appear on these shows, the "contestants" become "celebrities." Really? Come on. Take [omg I hate her so much] Jen Schefft as an example. Where the eff did she come from? And why was she, for so long, gracing the pages of Us? She was taking prime magazine real estate away from people about whom we really care. And you know who you are.
5. Yeah, so Bob the Bachelor is now married. And so is the short little girl who made it to the end. Kellie Jo? Was that her name? Whatever. But, proof of #4...I know she's married because it was in The Bible. Why?! Who cares?? I don't even remember her name, yet I know she married some hockey player in Germany or something and she's really happy and that The Bachelor was the best experience of her life.
6. "The behavior of the participants along the way is enough to convince anyone that human beings are just not meant to date each other. With the insistence that one can "fall in love" after two dates that included other people, the sloppy kissing, and the women who become backbiting seventh-graders when competing for the affections of a real live bass fisherman, none of the show's atmosphere makes relationships look appealing." So, human beings are not meant to date? Linda, are you giving a death sentence to the world, here? Yes, it is probably difficult to "date" and for a relationship to flourish in an environment where you are in obvious competition for the affections of the predator. And if the cameras are following you around, catching your every move (RIP Lacheys). But, though this is "reality" television, we still all are able to suspend our disbelief.
7. "...jewelry doesn't make an engagement." Um, four carat Harry Winston, anyone? Ok, ok, love is more important. Finding your soulmate is priceless. I know, I know.
8. "What cliché makes a more tempting target than strolling under the stars? Strolling under the stars in Paris!" Um, no, Linda, strolling under the stars with Travis. Come on. How can she be ignoring the fact that, despite being on a reality dating show, he is a very attractive, established, smart, and seemingly nice guy? That, dear writer, is the appeal. Not a hate-love relationship. Not a cynicism beyond repair.
9. Our friend Linda claims that there are limited options in trying to garner interest in a failing dynasty such as The Bachelor and the something needed to be done. "That is, unless there is any interest in changing the formula of chiseled, boring men choosing from among dullard women born without the gene for pride." Hahahahaha.
10. "No one watches it because it's good; people watch it because it's on, and because it's familiar, and because there's something reassuring about learning over and over again that however stupid love is, it's smarter than this." STOP calling me stupid.
11. "No, The Bachelor is not a show for romantics. It is a show for cynics, in which the greatest pleasure is usually reassuring yourself that you don't want to date vapid people. You don't want The Bachelor. " I don't need a show to tell me I don't want to date vapid people. Don't tell me who I want or why I'm watching, Linda. The greatest pleasure you get from watching this show is hope. The hope that, while untraditional, this may lend itself to a relationship that works. Chances are (and speaking based on the show's statistics), this is unlikely. But when is a relationship ever a sure thing? In order for the show to make you cynical, you need to have cynical tendencies already, and those come from life, not from the producers at ABC.

*Travis Stork picture count for the week: 2