Why didn't I think of this?!

Brilliant. Shout out to Sara for calling this (and the fact that I didn't give her a shout out, and even Trent gives shout outs) to my attention.

Let's go paragraph by paragraph, shall we? This is kind of going to be stream of consciousness, which usually would annoy me but I see no other way.

1. First of all, anything that starts with "according to the National Enquirer "is, obvi, the Word of God (and awesome). Didn't Michael learn his lesson re: the Jesus juice? Drugs and alcohol don't mix, dude. Well, not on a consistent basis, that is. Hey, my uncle just moved to Bahrain...it's not that big of a country...maybe if I go visit I'll see Michael.
2. Jammies. HAHAHA. And, please, Michael should not be grouped into "our most beloved stars" category.
3. Is exhaustion contagious? I secretly really really heart Mariah these days ( anyone else have"We belong together" on repeat?). And, where do I send my donation? Dad keeps saying I need to give more to charity so I can stop complaining about my exorbitant tax bills...
4. Abso-effing-lutely.
5. I'd be exhausted, too, if I had to carry around 500 lb. Paula Abdul is weird...let's not forget the whole Corey Clark debacle. And Liza Minnelli and Elizabeth Taylor? Ruben Stoddard aside, this is a list of veritable kooks.
6. Um, if any one of you has a subscription to the Enquirer you are my new bff. I think my friends and I collectively get every single rag there is...except that one.
7. Don't judge Colin Farrell harshly because he has a drug problem. Judge him harshly because he has a drug problem and a host of STDs.
8. Hmm, add Eminem (and stupid stupid stupid Kim) to #5.
9. The Simpsons save Ashlee's day yet again. What a nice family.
10. Um, the author of this article obviously isn't reading Vanity Fair or my blog. This is some outdated info, dude.
11. Hillary Duff was in three movies? I can name two (eek, did I just admit that?): the stupid singing one and The Perfect Man. Have I seen that one? Um, it has Mr. Big in it, so see #4. By "doing nothing for a while" I think the reporter means "Joel Madden."
12. Poor Goo Goo Dolls...they get put on the RMAs after Hillary Duff and Bo Bice bail. Eek. Their 15 minutes of fame is long gone, I see.
13. I can't even.
14. We need to do a fundraiser. I like to plan things. Let's get this show on the road.